This blog should be odd coming from me. Which is to say, I’m nobody. How the frack would I know the signs of a serious blogger. But having become a member of the internets in ways that my 14 year old self would not have approved of, and now that I have a blog, there is nothing stopping me from spewing out my opinions in a forceful and irritating manner. And its really ok, my 14 year old self also liked to sing Blue (the boy band) songs out loud with her friends. I would have hated her.
Also, in a beautifully puke-inducing you-are-here-and-reading-my-blog-while-I’m-writing-it manner (is there a word or phrase for that? I’m sure there is) I should warn you that by the time I finish writing this, I may or may not have the energy in me to edit it so that all the random crap I say is in some understandable order. I’m also streaming/watching Gangs of Wasseypur 2 again so… take from that what you will.
So the first sign of a serious blogger, to the outsider is the fact that they will very rarely make their personal lives the subject of the blog. Incidents from their lives, maybe – if they make for a funny story or even better, a profound one that will get them likes. So they may write about meeting that crazy relative and what she said but they will not write about the fact that in a terrible twist of fate, the crazy relative ended up holding the camera in the bizarre BDSM sex scene between the blogger, her flogger and two Persian gigolos. And yes, that is the working title for my screenplay. I may or may not change it to Men And Women: Are The Gender Fucking Roles Blurred?
The next sign of a serious blogger is that that they will try to talk about the current issues as much as they can. This will ensure, on the assumption that they RSS feed or whatever their posts, that when people search Google to help them in their conversations with presumably smarter people in parties, one of the opinions that would be pronounced verbatim would be theirs. This will further ensure that if and when the blogger becomes famous for a Booker Award For Fucks, the worthless rubes who read his/her blog can say in parties – “Oh yes, him. He’s alright. Quite entertaining. All seems kind of derivative from his earlier blog posts. Which really weren’t that good to begin with.”
Further, the serious blogger will never think of writing less than 1000 words per post, minimum. This will ensure that the average person who visits the blog is not under the impression that it’s merely a twitter account masquerading as a blog. This happens more often than one would suspect. Often, the not so super important serious classy blogger is blatantly obvious for what they are when they combine personal life blogs with the tweet size blog on a regular basis without long breaks off the internet. Then it is to be understood that the blogger in question is merely mind masturbating in public in manifestation of the sick fetish they hide behind phrases like “OMG Sheila said he’s getting me flowerrsss!!”
Also, the serious blogger will use pictures liberally in between the paragraphs. This image in one way or the other will be related to what they are saying. If the connection is not obvious it will become obvious by the caption under the post. An example of this can be taken from the following gif posted by a random blogger –
While entertaining, this gif will have no place in an ordinary post. And by mentioning that, the blogger is attempting to deflect from that fact with the post modern distraction called hipster irony. It doesn’t work too often. Its like a professor coming up to your lunch table with his food, and seating himself while you look on, trying not to seem disgusted, saying, “I know eating food with a boring professor is not really cool…” Yeah, no shit. And the fact that you said it doesn’t make you less boring or the situation any more cool.
Speaking of the gif, a great number of pop culture references will ensure that like minded people on the internets (which lets face it, is full of pop culture fanatics) will like your blog merely for validation of their love of Benedict Cumberbatch and Abed. On the same note, nude and nearly nude pictures are also something that the serious classy blogger will use intermittently to draw attention and adoration. It may not always work, and the secret photographs of all the boys in your batch, showering, that you posted in your secret blog (something along the lines of notsohotindianboysshoweringandtouchingtheirweewees.worpress.com) may end up offending the mothers who google their son’s name and accidently run into pictures of them with their penile piercings. No big deal, you will persevere because it’s a catch-22 for everyone concerned.
That being said, there are also ways in which you can recognize yourself as an aspiring serious classy blogger. One of the major habits of the blogger is to visit one’s own blog almost every day. This may be to increase the viewership generally, or it may be to read and re-read every day if the last post you wrote is as cool and awesome today as it was the day before.
Another tell is when you note that there are no comments or likes or anything of the sort despite the fact that the people you meet often tell you how much they like what you wrote about “ERHMGHERD THAT GUY IS SOOO HOT!” and disregarding the fact that you loathe pushing any “like” buttons or commenting on anything in places like Facebook, you keep wanting to say things like “why didn’t you like it then” in a whine. But you don’t. Cause that wouldn’t be cool.
Yet another habit you have if you’re a serious classy blogger is that every time you post something, you check out the posts (if any) of all the people who are on your blogroll despite the fact that it’s a very outdated list of blogs. You should update that, but you don’t. You’re a serious classy blogger. You don’t have time for that shit.
As a blogger, you will also check your comments about every two days. When you do get comments and general viewership you will immediately want to check out the blogs of the people who do. Which you may find amusing or may not understand at all.
You also know you are a serious blogger when you start receiving comments which go directly to your spam mail. And when you check them out, they say things like “Warning! STOP whatever you are making right now! Blogging will never make you serous money, watch this video BUZZBOOZ.COM The good part starts somewhere around the 2 minute mark.”
Really? Well, I never! I was under the impression that blogging will make me money. I never knew I could be so utterly, utterly wrong about anything. My my, I am rubbish at knowing things. I will immediately stop making things now that you have given me this gold mine of information, young Theo Elizando, the abused yet brave child from Ecuador (he is of Greek and Spanish descent) who made that comment! You are wise beyond your years spent working as the footstool of the local drug lord who would often try to touch you on your neck to strangle you, but you bit off his fingers every time he tried.
Also, you get spam comments along the lines of “you NEED on page SEO/RSS/ other random thing that I have no idea what they are to increase your visibility”. And it suddenly strikes you as you read it – Wow! The internet has a Cosmo! It tells you how unknown, non-trend-setting and pathetic you are, and then gives you solutions that you may have to shell out some cash for, that may or may not work. Ma peeps – if you have any advice to give me, I beg of you, please don’t give me the erotic thrill of hope when I see that the number of comments I have has grown before putting a chastity belt on my high when I see it was you and not a real person. Grrrrrrr. Wherefore will go me sessual frustration now?
There are also specific blogs meant for things other than writing. These are just fun. Since I don’t do that I’m not a connoisseur, the way I clearly am with the written ones. Oh yes, I know what I’m talking about.
That’s all I had to say. Now here are some pictures. Cause I’m a serious classy blogger.
I know this wasn’t 2000 words. But I’m legitimately rescinding that part of the promise because I realized I would be spewing more bullshit than otherwise if I tried to fill a word limit.
ME: *rolls eyes*
Yeah, that is Peter Dinklage.