Heavenly Socialism

19 Jun

I think it would be awesome if god was the way I wanted it to be, back when I believed in god. Well, I didn’t really believe in god. I wanted something there, so I imagined what I would like in something that was there and thought of it as god.

Since I figured out that the only reason I wanted there to be a god was because after I died I wanted to still know what was happening on earth, and so I wanted a laptop with a BAMF internet connection, I realized there was no point in believing for such specific and weird reasons. Anyway, with the internet, I could also have books, movies and music. Also, I wanted there to be a room in an alternate space where people like Hitler, child molesters and people who speak in the theater would be raped by pineapples. Special hell. And for those who say that I talk in the theatre, I say, 1. – only when the movie doesn’t really require quiet; and B. – it’s a reference to Joss Whedon. Go watch Firefly.

Anyway, back to my awesome imaginary god. He has mahogany hair, and blue green eyes that look blue when he wears blue, green when he wears green, and black as the depths of a sinful hell when he wears black, and he has a grin that makes me wanna grin back in a dirty, dirty… right, the other imaginary god.

I took my clues for my god from “Hogfather” by Terry Pratchett. From when I was old enough to actually think of one in a proper way, I thought everyone could imagine their own and through the powers of the universe, for their life and their death, that god, that concept of heaven and hell, could be a reality. So my god provided me with all of that.

But here’s the awesome thing about this whole plan. I figured that most people, unlike me, would have some specific ideas about good and evil acts and their consequences that they themselves would fall victim to. So when they did horrible things like kill people after thinking that one of the rules god handed down was that you should not kill, they would be fucked by their own god.

Now the amazing part about this, to my mind, is that in the there would be a basic tenet and principle behind any god that would in some way, be good. And as soon as someone fucked that up in their quest for heaven, they would in turn be handed the torture they felt others so rightly deserved, whether that be eternal hellfire, or listening to opera music (In Percy Jackson – the book, not the movie – the latter is actually mentioned as a torture device in Tartarus). It would be justice and payback, depending on how benevolent you imagined your god to be.

So in my personal afterlife, I imagined that my god was okay with anything people did as long as they did not actively take away from what someone else wanted. Technically if you never did anything to help anyone in any way, but never actually took anything, you could still avoid the pineapple rape room, and do whatever you want in the afterlife, but most people wouldn’t really like you much. If on the other hand you stole from people who needed what you stole, if you intentionally hurt anyone, or killed someone or basically did anything to someone that you would be inexcusable if it were done to you, that would mean you would probably be hated.

And here’s what’s more awesome about it, if you apply it to people other than me. Because it’s the afterlife, everyone except the ones in the rape room get every material and nutritional thing they want. They just don’t get anything that would involve other people. For that they would still have to work, and because it is the afterlife and there is not much you can do to entice people to be your friends, you will have to be nice or learn to be alone so you don’t spoil other people’s days.

And even if you say that superficial rich people would stick together in irritating ways even in such a scenario, the fact is they wouldn’t have better clothes, or better gadgets or whatever they base their lives on, and they wouldn’t be rich. Basically, social interactions would not be governed by socio-economic factors.

And if you do something reprehensible in this heaven that would have gotten you into the rape room had you been living on earth, you would still qualify. But because its heaven, you wouldn’t actually have to finish doing the reprehensible thing. As soon as you reach the point of no return with regard to doing the evil thing, you are put on pause and then transferred to the hell room. Imagine that you somehow acquire a gun (that in heaven you will only be able to aim and shoot properly at empty cans) and are about to shoot someone in cold blood, the millisecond after the bullet leaves your gun, you are paused and transferred to the rape room. It couldn’t be the asylum, because all genuinely insane people are automatically cured when they reach this heaven.

Yes, it is a very wealthy socialist utopia. Socialist in that all the wealth, which is technically unlimited, is divided utterly equally. So in order to satisfy all your people needs, you will need to be nice. Or you will engage in transactions that would require you to be nice, or at the least, act fairly. And it has a fair and awesome ruler who is like Big Brother, only its cameras are on only when you start doing any of the above mentioned reprehensible things. I know the details aren’t entirely clear and all the questions regarding economics or even social transactions aren’t answered, but that would take a long time, and I am sleepy. If you want, ask me, and I will tell you.

One of the problems I haven’t come up with a solution for is that of scientists. They study the natural world out of curiosity, and I can assume and hope that they like it. Without a natural world, these smart, amazing people would be left without. And in a world where every bit of information is available, how will they find satisfaction? I can only hope to read more about physics and come up with a space for heaven that is made of some form of physical matter that the scientists would have a ball analyzing. Curiosity and discovery is imperative, as long as one is conscious.

Let me be clear, I don’t believe in the above heaven. I imagined this would be MY heaven back when I believed in heaven. Not for everyone else. And I was very aware that I was imagining it. I’m just taking that personal imagined idea, and theoretically applying it into a real world scenario, and real world in terms of heaven and its working would mean that other people would be hypothetically involved.

That’s all.

–          Billy

P.S. – I have no pictures or gifs to put up???

This Happened.

This is Funny.

This Guy is Awesome.

I don’t know if I want to eat this or cryogenically freeze this to leave to the aliens when they come to inspect what remains of the earth gazillions of years from now, as the pinnacle of what humankind is capable of. Van Gogh and Cake!

And finally, puppies running and stumbling wiv their tiny wivvle wegs. Daaaawww!

P.P.S. – In a beautiful chance of fate thingummy, don’t you know, the two amazing things I discovered – The Book Thief and The Book Of Mormon (The Musical, not the religious text; and I only heard the songs, read the script, and all of the available internet reviews for it. Obviously haven’t seen it since I’m not allowed inside the United States). They are AWESOME. Not only are they simple stories about complex things without taking away from the complexity, they are sweet and funny and awesome, and thanks to The Book Of Mormon, I now know how to blaspheme and curse at the same time (albeit in a fake language). And I can do it with music and dance!

ME: You know, you could have left it at your stupid heaven description. You had to add in this last bit of turd didn’t you?

me: Hasa Diga.

ME: I really hate you.

me: *grins/ smirks/ feels so good

*Superior Eyebrow Rub

P.P.S. – I was gonna mention this later, but given my talk of heaven and hell, it seems apropos. I dunno if this is one of those things that everyone knows about but hasn’t mentioned in a long time, but the first time I came across this was on late night radio before I started college. It had a profound effect on me, in that I thought it was awesome.

‘The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid term. The answer was so “profound” that the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not Belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, “…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.”

The student received the only “A” given.’


That’s better.

– Billy


Posted by on June 19, 2012 in Bakchodi, Fun!


3 responses to “Heavenly Socialism

  1. Productos Quimicos Industriales

    June 21, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    WONDERFUL Post.thanks for share..extra wait

  2. Ipshita

    June 26, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Haha. The last part is amusing in the extreme.

    Just FYI, the Book of Mormon (the play) is opening in London in 2013. So you could catch it there, given the US Visa fuck up!

    • 9livestoomany

      June 26, 2012 at 3:45 pm

      that’s sad cause that’s what i didnt write. but i agree- i have very good taste 🙂


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