Monthly Archives: June 2012

Heavenly Socialism

I think it would be awesome if god was the way I wanted it to be, back when I believed in god. Well, I didn’t really believe in god. I wanted something there, so I imagined what I would like in something that was there and thought of it as god.

Since I figured out that the only reason I wanted there to be a god was because after I died I wanted to still know what was happening on earth, and so I wanted a laptop with a BAMF internet connection, I realized there was no point in believing for such specific and weird reasons. Anyway, with the internet, I could also have books, movies and music. Also, I wanted there to be a room in an alternate space where people like Hitler, child molesters and people who speak in the theater would be raped by pineapples. Special hell. And for those who say that I talk in the theatre, I say, 1. – only when the movie doesn’t really require quiet; and B. – it’s a reference to Joss Whedon. Go watch Firefly.

Anyway, back to my awesome imaginary god. He has mahogany hair, and blue green eyes that look blue when he wears blue, green when he wears green, and black as the depths of a sinful hell when he wears black, and he has a grin that makes me wanna grin back in a dirty, dirty… right, the other imaginary god.

I took my clues for my god from “Hogfather” by Terry Pratchett. From when I was old enough to actually think of one in a proper way, I thought everyone could imagine their own and through the powers of the universe, for their life and their death, that god, that concept of heaven and hell, could be a reality. So my god provided me with all of that.

But here’s the awesome thing about this whole plan. I figured that most people, unlike me, would have some specific ideas about good and evil acts and their consequences that they themselves would fall victim to. So when they did horrible things like kill people after thinking that one of the rules god handed down was that you should not kill, they would be fucked by their own god.

Now the amazing part about this, to my mind, is that in the there would be a basic tenet and principle behind any god that would in some way, be good. And as soon as someone fucked that up in their quest for heaven, they would in turn be handed the torture they felt others so rightly deserved, whether that be eternal hellfire, or listening to opera music (In Percy Jackson – the book, not the movie – the latter is actually mentioned as a torture device in Tartarus). It would be justice and payback, depending on how benevolent you imagined your god to be.

So in my personal afterlife, I imagined that my god was okay with anything people did as long as they did not actively take away from what someone else wanted. Technically if you never did anything to help anyone in any way, but never actually took anything, you could still avoid the pineapple rape room, and do whatever you want in the afterlife, but most people wouldn’t really like you much. If on the other hand you stole from people who needed what you stole, if you intentionally hurt anyone, or killed someone or basically did anything to someone that you would be inexcusable if it were done to you, that would mean you would probably be hated.

And here’s what’s more awesome about it, if you apply it to people other than me. Because it’s the afterlife, everyone except the ones in the rape room get every material and nutritional thing they want. They just don’t get anything that would involve other people. For that they would still have to work, and because it is the afterlife and there is not much you can do to entice people to be your friends, you will have to be nice or learn to be alone so you don’t spoil other people’s days.

And even if you say that superficial rich people would stick together in irritating ways even in such a scenario, the fact is they wouldn’t have better clothes, or better gadgets or whatever they base their lives on, and they wouldn’t be rich. Basically, social interactions would not be governed by socio-economic factors.

And if you do something reprehensible in this heaven that would have gotten you into the rape room had you been living on earth, you would still qualify. But because its heaven, you wouldn’t actually have to finish doing the reprehensible thing. As soon as you reach the point of no return with regard to doing the evil thing, you are put on pause and then transferred to the hell room. Imagine that you somehow acquire a gun (that in heaven you will only be able to aim and shoot properly at empty cans) and are about to shoot someone in cold blood, the millisecond after the bullet leaves your gun, you are paused and transferred to the rape room. It couldn’t be the asylum, because all genuinely insane people are automatically cured when they reach this heaven.

Yes, it is a very wealthy socialist utopia. Socialist in that all the wealth, which is technically unlimited, is divided utterly equally. So in order to satisfy all your people needs, you will need to be nice. Or you will engage in transactions that would require you to be nice, or at the least, act fairly. And it has a fair and awesome ruler who is like Big Brother, only its cameras are on only when you start doing any of the above mentioned reprehensible things. I know the details aren’t entirely clear and all the questions regarding economics or even social transactions aren’t answered, but that would take a long time, and I am sleepy. If you want, ask me, and I will tell you.

One of the problems I haven’t come up with a solution for is that of scientists. They study the natural world out of curiosity, and I can assume and hope that they like it. Without a natural world, these smart, amazing people would be left without. And in a world where every bit of information is available, how will they find satisfaction? I can only hope to read more about physics and come up with a space for heaven that is made of some form of physical matter that the scientists would have a ball analyzing. Curiosity and discovery is imperative, as long as one is conscious.

Let me be clear, I don’t believe in the above heaven. I imagined this would be MY heaven back when I believed in heaven. Not for everyone else. And I was very aware that I was imagining it. I’m just taking that personal imagined idea, and theoretically applying it into a real world scenario, and real world in terms of heaven and its working would mean that other people would be hypothetically involved.

That’s all.

–          Billy

P.S. – I have no pictures or gifs to put up???

This Happened.

This is Funny.

This Guy is Awesome.

I don’t know if I want to eat this or cryogenically freeze this to leave to the aliens when they come to inspect what remains of the earth gazillions of years from now, as the pinnacle of what humankind is capable of. Van Gogh and Cake!

And finally, puppies running and stumbling wiv their tiny wivvle wegs. Daaaawww!

P.P.S. – In a beautiful chance of fate thingummy, don’t you know, the two amazing things I discovered – The Book Thief and The Book Of Mormon (The Musical, not the religious text; and I only heard the songs, read the script, and all of the available internet reviews for it. Obviously haven’t seen it since I’m not allowed inside the United States). They are AWESOME. Not only are they simple stories about complex things without taking away from the complexity, they are sweet and funny and awesome, and thanks to The Book Of Mormon, I now know how to blaspheme and curse at the same time (albeit in a fake language). And I can do it with music and dance!

ME: You know, you could have left it at your stupid heaven description. You had to add in this last bit of turd didn’t you?

me: Hasa Diga.

ME: I really hate you.

me: *grins/ smirks/ feels so good

*Superior Eyebrow Rub

P.P.S. – I was gonna mention this later, but given my talk of heaven and hell, it seems apropos. I dunno if this is one of those things that everyone knows about but hasn’t mentioned in a long time, but the first time I came across this was on late night radio before I started college. It had a profound effect on me, in that I thought it was awesome.

‘The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid term. The answer was so “profound” that the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not Belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, “…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.”

The student received the only “A” given.’


That’s better.

– Billy


Posted by on June 19, 2012 in Bakchodi, Fun!


Humming and dancing and :)

I should write about this amazing thing that is happening to me. I am discovering things about myself, and in the process, also finding out I can be a pain in my ass in terms of feeling simultaneously proud and cynical about me.

Here’s how my conversation with me is going these days. For your convenience, “me” is flabbergastedly pleased, outraged by the world, and happy; and “ME” is annoyed and cynical about everything that is “me”.

me: holy sucking crap! Who are these amazing people? What is this amazing site? What is wrong with politicians, I hate those people? I should hate the world but then there are these other completely awesome set of people, and apparently if I type “cats in cups” on google images, I will be presented with thousands upon thousands of pictures of kittens in cups wooking juft adowabubble, even though I’m a doggy perfon, yesh I am, yesh I am, my gwod, joo are sho cute, kitten in cup wiv kittens fashe on wuh cup… man, I hate that Times Now guy, and everyone who appears on the news…

ME: you are so full of it. Go shove it up your own ass. ‘Ooh, look at me, I’m all diversified. I like to hate people and love the kittens, and there are some amazing people, so I don’t hate the world. Look at me, I’m so complicated, and I’m trying to be the next Liz Lemon.’

me: ….. well, you suck…. (looks around for smartassery) … you’re cynical.

ME: oh boo fucking hoo. Did reality burst your bubble of happiness? You wanna cry, ya big fake fake.. fake-o.

me: you know why you’re less awesome than me?

ME: Oh this should be good. Is it because I don’t think about awesomeness?

me: No, because, while you say shit like fake fake fake-o, I’ll be thinking of John Green’s awesome fucking T-shirt that says “Holden Caulfield thinks you’re a phony.”

ME: and your point is?

me: I don’t know about anyone else, but I find hanging out with me more fun than hanging out with you cause even when I’m cynical, I entertain myself, while you’re just like Walter the puppet. You’re fun and all, but everyone’s really waiting for Achmed.

ME: God, you’re so full of it. Just cause you watch the good shows and read the books and the watch the movies and watch the comedians and have psycho memory about those things, you think you’re awesome. Well, I do all of that shit too.

me: no, I do that shit, and I tell you about it. If it were up to you, you’d just lie there on the bed with the door shut and have your friends worry about you and drug you into telling them what’s wrong, while you lose yourself in a haze of reading weird fanfiction.

ME: well, let me tell you bitch, nothing’s gonna come from reading and writing and drawing and knowing all those “interesting” things as you call them. You’re going nowhere.

me: well, unless you have something better that Billy should do, you can stuff it. I like my vlogbrothers and the TDS and the TCR and the fandoms and the tumblr and the youtube and the Ashish Shakya and the Khushwant madness and the tv shows and the game of thrones. You like nothing. You don’t even like it when Billy is productive cause you’re just a cynic and nothing more.

ME: see, now you’re trying to be all deep and shit. You do realize it sounds like rubbish.

me: hey, listen, I have to find this video where John Green talks about guys who think their girlfriends are too smart. And after that I wanna read some skeevy fanfiction, want in?

ME: … yea. Bitch. You’re a stupid bitch!

me: nice! Sassy gay friend reference! You’re learning.

ME: just… lets watch the nerd boy and then do the weirdo fanfiction, mmkay?

me: Mr. Garrisson reference!

ME: *Sigh lets face, it. We’re the same person. *sigh

It’s a constant battle. But yes, I have discovered tumblr (a long time ago, but I’m writing about it now), and I have yet to see a part of it that annoys me. It’s full of art and books and movies and tv. It is everything awesome about the world and the internet. And I love the vlogbrothers. And I love Ashish Shakya more every time I read him. And I have to read Bossypants. Will have to talk to my not so sassy gay friend about that.

And this is the stuff I finished reading recently – Cider House Rules, Silence of the Lambs, The Liar. Poorly done. In my defense, I was working a thankless job, and getting paid for it bitches! That sounds like prostitution… “job”… but since I doubt anyone else is as potty brained as me, leave it in for zee entertainment (Snatch reference- I don’t know if they were referring to something else).

Currently reading “The Book Thief” by Markus Zusak, which is just beautiful. Just. So. Beautiful. Anywho, taking a page off my sister’s facebook page (I’m getting ideas from facebook?), this is a picture of some of the books I hope to have read in this year. Except if any of them turns out to be that rare book which is so dull I can’t finish it. I have a feeling the Palin bio and Pickwick Papers may or may not be in that category.

Daryaganj bitchess!!

Fuck. I forgot to add Truth, Love and a Little Malice to the pile (btw Thanks to my metrosexual friend for informing me of my incorrectly referring to that book). My sister (whom I am feeling very appreciative of) got me an awesome hard bound copy. And a tiny corner of it is mice bitten. I love it when books look like they have been read, and have had a life. Just adds character so beautifully.

ME: Pretentious.

me: *scowls

Anyway, to my sister, “Annie” as she so horridly likes to be called, this is NOT an invitation to be overly emo towards each other, or emo at all. Oh and The Liar is just as awesome as H said it would be. So thank you androgynously named friend!

Oh yeah, to my two friends who have birthdays today, (and I remember this only because all the other friends whose birthdays I forgot over the summer have been bitching about it, and rightly so), happy birthday!

Since I’m running for governor or the state of random, here’s one of the reasons why tumblr is awesome – you get to watch gifs of the amazing Hugh Laurie and his cutetastic gaffes such as this –


And it leads me to stuff like this without searching for it. It’s a short film in what is probably Portuguese. You click the cc button, and my god, it’s such a sweet film –

And I find Neil Patrick Harris doing this –

I don’t even like kids, but man….

And I find gifs like this –

*faints of cute-itis

And find stuff like this – Paul McCartney flew to Monteserrat, where Beatles producer George Martin had installed a state-of-the-art studio, to begin work on a solo album. The studio manager revealed that McCartney was planning to record with both Harrison and Starkey; ‘John Lennon may well have been on the album as well if he had still been alive.’ A guest at the sessions was the Beatles’ long-time friend rockabilly pioneer Carl Perkins. He played McCartney a song he had just written, entitled ‘My Old Friend’. ‘After I finished,’ he recalled,

“Paul was crying, tears were rolling down his pretty cheeks, and Linda said, ‘Carl, thank you so much.’ I said, ‘Linda, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.’ She said, ‘But he’s crying, and he needed to. He hasn’t been able to really break down since that happened to John.’ And she put her arm around me and said, ‘But how did you know?’ I said, ‘Know what?’ She said, ‘There’s two people in the world that know what John Lennon said to Paul, the last thing he said to him. But now there’s three, and one of them’s you, you know it.’ I said, ‘Girl, you’re freaking me out! I don’t know what you’re talking about!’ She said that the last words that John Lennon said to Paul in the hallway of the Dakota building were, he patted him on the shoulder and said, ‘Think about me every now and then, old friend.’

“And that, with minor alterations, was the chorus line of Perkins’ song, ‘McCartney really feels that Lennon sent me that song, he really does.”

And people like the vlogbrothers, and talks between Richard Dawkins and Neil DeGrasse Tyson, which weirdly reminds me…

Gullu (hehe, she hates that name being out there for the world to know) recently informed me that most of the bollywood film clips with hilarious Punjabi voiceovers that I roll around on the floor laughing to is made by people from all over Pakistan. This just proves what I have been saying all along! Muslims (I am assuming most of them would be muslims, sue me) could be to India what Jews are to America! They’re already all over our shitfaced version of Hollywood (and rightly so, they funny and talented), and theologically speaking, Islam is close to Judaism.

They got the whole pork thing, the curly hair thing, circumcision thing, when we’re hot we’ll be too hot to handle thing…. All these things in common. Anywho, all we need to do, as a country, in order to have more awesome funny, is oppress them a bit more. You know, in our daily lives. Apparently, an amazing sense of humor is one of the most common results of a screwy childhood based on stereotypical bullying. Is that not PC? Screw it. But if that doesn’t sit well with anyone, just to be a somewhat equal opportunity asshole – beef tastes amazing. It really does. I’m not just saying that. BTW I was kidding about the oppressing.

ME: man, will you ever get over your need to explain yourself so people don’t get mad? You’re such a chump.

me: ….

Ooh, and I found that picture I loved from the chintzy My Bar –


I should draw some more…

Anywho, back to watching vlogbrothers and reading the fanfiction.


–        Billy

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Posted by on June 12, 2012 in Bakchodi, Fun!, Random