Monthly Archives: January 2012

We All Suck Equally

I have not read the Satanic Verses. It’s not because I would technically be breaking the law. It was because I started and I quickly realized that I did not care for the style of writing. I’m not saying that I cannot see what people may like in it, but it’s not for me personally; the same way that I recently re-established my lack of enthusiasm for stream of consciousness writing unless it is funny and lasts 10 pages at the most.

I had thought that perhaps not all of Rushdie’s work – of which I have read the first 3 pages of Satanic Verses, and the same of The Moor’s Last Sigh – is not in the same style, but I am assured by people who have read it that indeed it is so. Of course, this was all many years ago. I attempted to read The Moor’s Last Sigh at 12 and failed; The Satanic Verses at 18 and failed. I should probably give them a try again – after Khushwant Singh’s Autobiography, all the Discworlds I can get my hands on, Kurt Vonnegut… Either way, Ipso Facto, Habeas Corpus, I admit my sad lack of knowledge in all things related to the guy’s work.

I do remember a passing acquaintance reading it and telling me that she was a little afraid of Muslims after that. When asked why she said something about a phrase mentioned which was misinterpreted by people somewhere to mean that clitorises have evil in them, and should be cut off. Apparently there was mention of a tribe or a cult or a group of housewives who did that. That last bit was a joke, for those who don’t get me. Anyway, I have searched high and nigh for this. My Google searches have not resulted in much. There have been a few pages that opened up, but largely I got Bupkis. Yes, I shall convert to Judaism linguistically. Only for you, o beautiful, beautiful, blue eyed man who makes Banking funny.

I recall thinking that if stupid people reading the book get the impression that all Muslim girls have no bean on account of creepy bearded fucks, then maybe banning it is not such a bad idea. On reflection, I have concluded that was an utterly stupid thought I had. A silly thing really (Monty Python). Taking the spirit of what John Oliver said – all religions shouldn’t have to be responsible for its biggest arseholes.

Of course, all of this is unnecessary BS if in fact, in reality, as the lack of Google results would indicate, there is no mention of female circumcision in the book. Someone please tell me, is there??

From what I have found out about the whole fatwa thing, I may sound like a hillbilly, but I don’t know what’s so particularly offensive. Mention of a few gods/god-like beings with vaginas. Personification of God. Indicating that the Messenger ever spoke the words of the Sith Lord and not the Force. Correct me if I’m wrong, but all of these, including and all slightly based on the idea that the one true god is the one you believe in, is constantly tarnished and beaten to the ground by every other person in the world who believes in some other shitty god.

Apparently, the Jews said there was something wrong with the Christian Messenger even before he died, let alone waiting for 1500 years to pass. I heard that’s what eventually killed him. He was suffering from malnutrition due to years spent in the desert without food, and in his weak state, he couldn’t take such criticism. Really killed him from the inside. By the time the nail came down, reports say he was too delirious and depressed to care. He was all, “Oh Lord, just let me die! I don’t wanna live ‘nymore!” And he was crying like a little gay pussy.

The Hindu Gods, amongst others, are in fact the vehicles of Satan if I am to believe the Old Testament. Eating the cow, whose DNA is apparently powered by these Gods, would be doing a disservice to my food canal, from the esophagus to the anal tract, and my holy self. I would literally be letting Satan come inside me. Reminiscent of Rosemary – and she had it coming, I saw what she was wearing.

Another interesting piece of information – If I were a Christian, I would be very offended at all this murder happening in the world. I think Thou Shalt Not Kill is pretty clear cut. It means you, meaning you; shalt not, meaning shall not; kill, meaning in any way, shape or form take part in an activity that leads to the death of another human. Human in this case would include those with circumcisions – really all you need are opposable thumbs and excess hair on the tops of heads, under the arms and in the pubic area as compared to the rest of your body. Yet all these people who were supposed to be born Christian don’t seem to know what they’re doing wrong.

What I’m saying is, directly or indirectly, everyone but the people in your religion, and even the people in your religion, are in almost every breath they take, insulting your religion. It’s not even about Rushdie being a Muslim and doing it. Technically speaking, all moderates offend the sensibilities of the crazies in their religion; all atheists that were brought up in a religion, even more so. What’s so special about Islam that renders it necessary to ban some stupid book which most people wouldn’t bother to read anyway? Nobody banned The Da Vinci Code – and that had some bad info and blasphemy. Nobody bans me from writing, “Really? Your ancestors were in that cow? Well I guess they’re literally kissing the inside, yes inside, of my ass right now.” So why the Satanic Verses? That’s rhetorical, before anyone starts giving me lessons in Indian politics, prejudice and vote banks.

All religions have been blasphemed to feces by now in one way or the other, under one holy writ or the other. And if you’re picking and choosing what part of your holy text you’re going to take seriously, you may as well not pick the rather inconvenient part that is leading to so much discussion and time consumption, when wouldn’t you rather watch The Office? Or whatever your version of awesome is?

My point is that it is one thing for religious people to say, “You know what, I don’t want to kill you, but I’m not comfortable with that cow you’re eating, that crucifix you have upside down, that drawing of my non-anthropomorphic god, that Swastika Armband and matching toothbrush moustache you sport, that part of your penis that you cut off, that hair you decided to get rid of….”; but quite another for so-called liberals to say, “We should take care not to offend people’s religious sentiments”.

Honestly, my sentiments are sorely ripe since I came to law school and saw how far the human conscience and spirit can be raped into non-existence, without any physical violence or base primal need for it, which would at least leave physical evidence or minor biological justification for such an impingement on virtue. No, all of it is based on unbelievable human greed and cunning. Evidently, these sentiments of mine are not as important as the ones based on imaginary gods. I should really start a church – “The Faith Based Faith Of Not Being An Asshole”.

–          Billy

P.S. – R.I.P. Vepa. He was one of the few men I knew who would have loved a dirty joke at his funeral, and for that and so much more, he was Awesome.

P.P.S. – I have discovered I can scan stuff here. More sketches shall come up soon. 🙂

P.P.P.S. – And this is my dog! 🙂

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Posted by on January 28, 2012 in Uncategorized