diary of a commitment phobiac un/happily-unlucky-in-all-things-related-to-love

13 May

I’ve not written here for a while and now I suddenly feel like it. Being away from nalsar and 24 hour internet I reflected in this absence from cyber world.

I’ve been spending my time watching t.v. (something I haven’t done for four months), and reading lovely fiction (again, the same). Also, been watching the supply of movies I brought home for the summer.

Unfortunately, all of this, for someone like me ends up in questions and more questions about one thing- love. Oh the endless potential in the endless number of questions that can be asked about that simple irritating four-letter world, that try as you may, you just cannot forget.

Calvin, from “Calvin and Hobbes” once said, “I think at night, things are darker so that we can imagine our fears with no distractions”. So really it’s no wonder that it is at night, and when you’re alone that the nagging doubt about things creeps in.

In a group it is amazingly simple and easy to believe that you can beat life and its tricks, that it’s curveballs and fireworks, and the consequent burns can all be avoided if you self-protect enough. It is easy to believe, when you have people around you who expect you to be weaker than you are emotionally, that you are in fact stronger than you actually are. From very recent experience, I can gather, it is sort of like the feeling a person with a high tolerance for alcohol believes themselves to be stronger than they actually are when surrounded by people who don’t have their actual capacity.

And so, when you are alone, after yet another day of mocking the people in the movies you watched that day, the characters of the book you read, the friends who cried to you (this done silently), you lie back in your bed, satisfied, and think- they are hurt, messed up people, while you are fine and don’t feel like a piece of you has been taken away. But then, because it is night, and because you are alone, and because somewhere inside you, you’re just a very scared person, the other voice creeps in and says, “But I bet if you ask them they’ll say it’s been worth it. To have given love and happiness a shot, many shots. I bet, while they may feel like a piece of them ha been taken away, it will soon be right back with them, or it will be replaced. You, on the other hand still feel, like you always did, as though you’re the missing piece, as if there has been something missing, not taken, but missing, that you’ve never dared to reach out to.”

…..I have never felt much of anything in the way of romance and love my entire life. Not once. I’ve had my crushes, but I often think of my crushes as conveniences. Whenever it was convenient to have a crush on someone, I had a crush.  The only time I actually felt like it was supposed to, according to the books and the movies- heart beating, butterflies, the works- was my first crush in 7th class. That ended in four months (my longest crush ever). Other than that guy, I’ve never actually really liked anyone in a slightly crazy way which is necessary if you really like someone. In fact, I’ve never actually known any of the guys I had crushes on except for that first one……

Then you come back to your senses and realize – there was nothing to reach out to. Sadly enough, your life was THAT empty of any opportunity to the evanescent feeling of love. And you wonder, will it ever happen? Will anything or anyone ever bring that look in your eyes, that is there in every good love story there is – perhaps the only thing that is common in all true love stories. The only real life person who I’ve seen with that look is one of our family friends when he was talking to his wife who was dying of cancer. You can be cynical and say the guy was appreciating her since she was dying, but I know this man loved his wife. If anything was true love, that was.

Not that you’ll rise to the occasion but will you at least get the chance to screw it up and then talk about it endlessly to adoptive grandchildren (by the time you’re 30, maybe you’ll get over your hatred for kids), cats, or dogs.

Well, that’s all for now…


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